Am I Cut Out For This?!

Am I cut out for this?!  Am I strong enough?  Patient enough?  Am I doing things right?!  Wrong?  Am I making things better?  Worse?!  Am I loving her enough?  Am I helping enough?  Am I helping too much?  What is she thinking?!  What is she feeling?  How is she feeling?!  What does she like?  Not like?!  What does she want?!  Not want? 

...Am I good enough?!

Today... It was a day filled with anxiety, frustration, a big of anger, and in the end... regret.  My mind was racing and my heart was heavy.  Today was one of those days that I couldn't handle.  I found myself asking a million and a half questions... all of which, I didn't have the answers for.  Today, was challenging.

I have days like this once in a while, and at the end of the day, I feel like I am screaming out, "Am I cut out for this!?".  Taleigha had a rough day today; meaning, it was a day filled with a lot of crying and, for lack of a better term, whining.  Absolutely nothing pleased her today.  She seemed irritable and frustrated as well, and I couldn't figure out how to make things better for her.  I JUST WANTED TO MAKE 'IT' BETTER, and I failed, yet again.

"Am I strong enough?!"  Am I able to live this life as a parent of a child with special needs?  I doubt myself.  I doubt my capabilities of being a good Mommy to Taleigha.  This journey with her is ever changing and it's difficult at times to understand why this journey was given to me... to us... when I don't always feel like I am capable.  I know that God has truly blessed me with Taleigha, and I would never want anyone to think that I felt otherwise.  It's just that, I get overwhelmed in moments that feel impossible.   

I get mad at myself.  I get mad that I allow myself to lose my temper and get frustrated.  I get mad that I yell and feel like I want to run away.  "Am I patient enough?!"  I get mad that my patience flies out the door first thing in the morning, and I never can quite get it back.  I get mad when I don't sound positive and encouraging to her every second of every day.  I get mad... at myself!

I feel like I don't always know how to "parent" Taleigha.  "Am I doing things right!?"  It is a constant question.  Because she is non-verbal, I feel I am living a continuous guessing game.  That gets hard when you live it 24/7.  The questions: "What is she thinking?!" "What and how is she feeling!?" "What does she like and not like?!"  What does she want and not want!?", are the reality of my life.

I hurt.  I hurt for her.  I hurt for her when she throws herself to the floor or hits her head out of frustration.  I hurt for her when she whimpers and cries for an entire day.  Why can't I figure out what it is that she needs or wants!?  Am I not good enough?!  I hurt.

I try!  Oh, I promise, I try... to make sure that I encourage Taleigha to communicate the "correct" way, when I know she is able.  But I often find myself wondering if I am enabling her to not communicate the "correct" way.  When she starts 'whining' what she wants, I try so hard to encourage her to "tell" me what she wants.  Most of the time she refuses, and I end up just getting whatever it is that she wants, without her communicating it to me the way that I know she knows how.  I almost feel like I let her "get away" with more because she can't communicate a lot right now.  So, everything I do is followed by the question, "Am I making things better, or worse!?"

"Am I loving her enough?!"  I fell in love with this child the moment I laid eyes on her.  That has never changed, and never will.  She is my everything.  I never knew such a love like this existed until she came into my life.  I KNOW I love her more than words could ever explain... but does she feel that from me!?  I fear that when days like today happen, she only feels that frustration and sometimes anger.  I don't ever want my precious child to feel like she is a burden to me, or that SHE frustrates me.  SHE doesn't.  It may be the circumstances, but never HER!  I want her to know that... always.  

I regret today.  I wish it had never happened.  I want to erase it and start again, but I can't.  What I can do is strive to make the rest of our days, better days.  

I pray for more strength and more patience, because she deserves that.

What I can't get out of my mind is the fact that I truly believe... 

she quite possibly asks herself all of these same things!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this on HopeLights.

I desperately needed this today.

I needed this.

"From your child with special needs: "Some days I know you get the end of your rope. We get stuck. I'm in here though and if I could make things easier, I would. Look at how far I've come because of you. Don't give up on me! 

I love you!" ♥ 

I'm Back!!

Since there is so much to catch up on in my "absence"...

I guess I will just start by saying 

"I'M BACK!"

I apologize for disappearing for the past several months, but life just got to be a bit too much to handle, and I really needed to focus on myself, and on my family for a while.  I am ready to start typing away again and sharing in on life and it's craziness!

For starters, March - June, Clint and I helped build our brand new home with Habitat for Humanity!!!  We are so thankful and feel so incredibly blessed that we were able to have the opportunity to learn and grow so much throughout this experience.  We put in over 900 sweat equity hours during the course of our Habitat journey!  It was 100% worth every second of it all, as we finally have a place that we can call home!!  We moved in over the Fourth of July and have loved every minute of it since!!

June started out with a lot of challenges for us.  Not only were we finishing the build of our new home, but I was ending employment because of several reasons (including my own health challenges) and moving back into my role as a full time stay at home Mommy and Clint was starting new employment full time on top of his already part time job, and Taleigha was set for surgery, needing her tubes replaced (after having more ear infections than I could keep track of), Adenoidectomy and Tonsillectomy.  June 4 was Taleigha's surgery.  

My Big Girl waiting to be taken back for surgery!

Taleigha, Mommy, and Daddy before her surgery!

Her surgery itself went well, with no complications, however, coming out of the anesthesia proved to be quite difficult.  She had to be admitted overnight due to the tonsillectomy, which made us feel more comfortable anyway, so we welcomed that stay (although hospital overnights are never fun!).  In the 24 hours after her surgery we were not able to get her to take anything in orally, but they sent us home anyway.  I was not happy about that!  Clint started his new job on June 6, starting his 14 hour days, 5 days a week.  I was officially left to handle a 3 year old child recovering from major surgery and a rambunctious almost 2 year old all by myself.  A week went by and Taleigha would hardly eat or drink anything!  I tried everything I could possibly think of trying; pudding, yogurt, applesauce, ice cream, popsicles, mashed potatoes, water, juice, milk, etc!  She didn't want anything.  It had gotten to the point over that week that I was syringing liquids into her mouth as much as I could, but she even started to refuse that.  Our days and nights were filled with a constant achy cry.  She was miserable.  Her eyes began to look sunken in and her body was becoming extremely weak.  I brought her to her doctor and they immediately admitted her to Children's Hospital for dehydration.  She stayed one night and had an IV for fluids and they sent her back home... even though she still wasn't taking much fluids in on her own.  

Wishing I could take all of her pain away!

Another full week passed, and we finally felt like we were making some progress.  She seemed like she started feeling better, and she was finally eating and drinking a little bit.  Exactly two weeks after her surgery, we took her out for her 3rd birthday and to celebrate Father's Day.  She had a pretty good day considering all she had been through.  But when we got home, things suddenly took a turn for the worse.  She started gushing blood from her nose and her mouth.  Clint and I scooped both of the girls up and drove straight to the hospital (which was only about a mile away from our house).  We rushed her in and got her checked in and, much to our surprise, they asked us to take a seat and wait to be called back.  The ER was extremely busy, but we couldn't understand why they didn't think that she was a priority to get back.  After waiting almost an HOUR in the waiting room, with her bleeding and struggling to breathe because of the large amounts of blood that she was swallowing, we were brought back to see a doctor.  I will spare most of the completely ridiculous details of events that took place with the doctor, and go straight to the fact that she ended up being transported by ambulance to a different hospital where an on call ENT took one look at her and rushed her in for emergency surgery to stop the bleeding.  During the surgery, they realized that she indeed had swallowed such a large amount of blood, that it was necessary to pump her stomach.  Our poor girl went through more than she should have had to face.  She was in extremely rough condition, and at one point, I had turned to Clint, while holding my little girl, and couldn't help but feel like I was looking at a dying child, difficult as that may be to even say something like that, it was my honest feeling.  It was the scariest moment of my life.  I just wanted to trade places with her.  I wanted her to be okay.

(I could write an entire book on the malpractice that took place that night, and how incredibly disgusted that we were with everything, but emotions tend to run a little high when talking about it, so I will just leave things at that!)  Overall, the recovery took a month and a half before she was even starting to turn around!!  It took much longer than that before we finally started to see our little angel being herself again.  She is a fighter, and she is so strong, and she pushed through every single difficult day that she faced.  She truly is... a little miracle!

 

She is doing extremely well now, and we are now just weeks away from her starting Early Childhood Classes in September!  I can't believe my BABY is going to be hopping on a bus soon and heading to school!!!

Taelyn has grown up so much in the past several months, I don't even know where to begin with her!  She is definitely 'Mommy's little helper' around the house!  She LOVES to help, in any way that she can, and is always looking out for her big sister!  She is talking away and is literally a little sponge, quickly absorbing everything!  She has a personality as big as the world and is a complete joy to be around!! She is... special!  There is just no other way to explain it!  She brings something into my life that is so unexplainable.  I am so lucky that she is my daughter!

It is absolutely amazing to me how close that the girls are!  They truly are the best of friends (fighting and all)!  They are always watching out for each other, and offer up hugs and kisses to each other often!  I couldn't be more blessed!

I can't wait to be able to fill you all in more, but for now, I think I will end on this note!  I very much look forward to being able to 'type away' a little more often! 

God Bless!

~Brittany

Oh My!!

It's hard to believe another whole month (or more) has passed since I've been able to write!!  If that's any indication as to how insanely hectic our lives have been... haha!

There has been so much that has happened, I'm not exactly sure where to even begin!  Let's start with Taleigha.  She has been doing so well overall.  She is still sleeping through the night since starting her medications (we have had a few rough nights here and there, but nothing that would warrant any complaining on my part!!!).  She seems to be progressing leaps and bounds in certain areas of development right now!  Her language has really improved lately (I think her sweet baby sis is really helping in this area! :) )  She is really showing wonderful signs of wanting to try and mimic new sounds/words.  She is saying "momma, dada, baby, bubble, hi, bye, papa, ball" regularly now and they are clear as can be.  She is trying to say so much more though as well (things like butterfly ;) and it is so precious!).  Her understanding of things has really improved too.  She is doing great with picture recognition!  Physical development has definitely been strengthened quite a bit.  Her stability has increased, along with balance.  She even walked on a playground that had wood chips as it's platform and then proceeded to climb the jungle gym to slide down the slide independently!!!  YAY!  Her and Taelyn both very much enjoy the park!  

Taleigha has had a difficult time staying healthy lately though (actually, our whole family has been sick non-stop.  I feel like we are on this nasty rotation of sickness! Ugh).  Taleigha has had double ear infection after double ear infection.  My poor girl!  We meet with the ENT on the 17th of this month, and I'm pretty sure another tube surgery is inevitable at this point (she had tubes placed when she was 12 months old, but they only lasted about a year before falling out).  On top of that she's also taken her turn with colds, congestion and the flu too!  Taelyn has had her fair share of "yuck" as well.  She's been battling the flue, colds, and croup a few times now.  Oh, and don't worry, Clint and I have taken our turns as well.

I actually just recently had some testing done for some of my own health issues.  I have been really struggling with fainting issues (or close to fainting episodes, where I'll black out) for quite some time now.  Nobody has ever been able to figure out why the "silliest" or simplest things would make me feel so faint.  I mean, nearly everything I do has the potential to make me feel as though I am going to pass out.  I was finally able to get an actual diagnosis for it after the tests were done and I have Vasovagal Syncope.  It happens because of a dangerously low drop in my blood pressure.  Unfortunately, my condition is on the severe side of things, so a lot in my daily life is affected by this.  It's gotten very hard to handle.  I am going to be going through some more tests and meeting with some specialists this month, and will hopefully be able to find something to make this a manageable thing.  

Taelyn is doing wonderful.  Oh my, has she ever grown up fast!!!  She has changed so much over this past month or so.  It's absolutely crazy how fast changes really do happen with her.  I feel like I'm going to blink and she'll be going to school!  Haha!  She is literally trying to copy nearly everything you do or say!!  It is so much fun!  She is talking up a storm now and understands soooo much!  Oh, and may I just add that she has now become quite the little climber!  Goodness gracious!  I walked out of my kitchen on day to find her standing on the top of my dining room table!!  She is going to give me a heart attack, I swear!  She has also found the "sass" too!  ;)  I have a hard time keeping a straight face most of the time because, although I know it is her being "sassy"... She still is so darn cute!!!  

The girls are so sweet together!!  Yes, they have their moments when they aren't so sweet, but for the most part, they are just the cutest best friends!! :)  They really do help each other out so much!  It's so amazing to see how much love they have for each other too!  If Taleigha lays down for bed first, Taelyn is in her room giving hugs and kisses and tucking her in (and visa versa if Taelyn goes to bed first).  Seriously adorable!  I really don't know how I ever got so lucky!!

There is literally a novel I could write at this point about everything in my life, but I think I'll save that for the next update!  I'm very much hoping that it won't be another month before that happens!!  I will try to update as often as I can right now, but we do have a lot going on!!!

God Bless!!!

A New Chapter

We started our journey with Habitat for Humanity back in January of 2011.  It feels like it has taken forever to be able to say this, but the build of our house is finally underway!!!!  I don't think that there are even words to express our excitement!  This is a new chapter in our lives that we are so thankful for.  There has been a lot of hard work and dedication that has gone in to this process already, but it has all been worth it! We drove past our house yesterday and couldn't help but just smile!  We were finally looking at something REAL, something concrete... knowing that in just a few short months, we will be moving into our brand new house!  We are getting anxious to get out on the build site and start helping!  There is a lot more hard work, sweat and probably a few tears that are about to come, but we can't wait!!! :))

Our Empty Lot

Basement Walls Poured

OUR HOUSE!!!! :)

Feel free to take a look at the link to a video on our Journey to Habitat!!!

(There is a family that speaks before us!)

Posselt Family Journey to Habitat 

Life with a Little Bit of Crazy ;)

CRAZY!  That is an understatement for what I feel like our last several weeks have been.  For starters, sickness just about wiped out our entire family.  Two weeks ago Monday, Taelyn got hit with the flu.  Tuesday was Clint's turn.  Wednesday of course was Taleigha.  And why not top off the following day with myself getting it!?!  Friday then went right back to Taelyn when she ended up getting Croupe.  Saturday and Sunday was awful as both of the girls were very ill.  We were very much hoping for a better 'next' week.  Well, no such luck.  Poor Taleigha ended up with a dreaded right ear infection.  On top of that, they both have been dealing with the other "crud" (the runny nose, cough, etc.).  Taleigha really seemed to struggle the most, as her seemingly fragile little body just couldn't shake everything that had hit her.  Now this week, we again had hoped for a better start, and yet again, there was no such luck.  We ended up bringing her back in to see her pediatrician, just to find out that her antibiotics didn't work for the first ear infection, and she now has a double ear infection!!!  My goodness!!!  Need I say any more than that one word...?!  CRAZY!!  We have to be on an upswing now, right?!

On to a big "Taleigha Update"!!!  As you know (from a lot of my previous posts), Taleigha has struggled so severely with sleeping issues and we've been trying and trying and trying to find some sort of resolve.  After trying just about everything we possibly could... we made the decision to finally try her on some medication in the beginning of February to see if it would help her sleep.  She was on that medication for roughly two weeks with no real positive change.  We just truly felt at that point that this medication was not going to be our answer, and that it really wasn't in Taleigha's best interest to keep trying (adjusting medication levels really didn't feel right either).  If anything, we felt like it was making things worse (especially looking at her daytime demeanor after starting this med).  The doctor agreed to ween her off of it.  She said that there was one more medication that she was willing to try.  We wanted to let Taleigha get a "fresh start" so to speak, so we waited a full week to make sure that the other medicine was surely out of her system before we started her on the new medication.  Last week Thursday (night) was her first night taking her new med, and... drum roll pleeeease... Taleigha slept completely through the night!!!!  Not only that, but Taleigha has slept through the night, every single night since then!!  YAY!!!  We are up to five... FIVE... full nights of sleep for her!  (All of you that are reading this right now, if you would be so kind as to knock on some wood, I would greatly appreciate that!! ;) Lol.)  I could really get used to this, let me tell you!!! ;)  

On a serious note, we honestly just keep praying that this continues to work for Taleigha, as she truly, truly neeeds this positive change in her life.  For so long, I felt like I was looking at my daughter and could do nothing but watch her already frail body grow weaker as the days passed.  This was changing her.  It devastated me.  And so, walking into Taleigha's room on Thursday night, I couldn't help but just sit and watch her sleep for a while.  For the first time ever, I got to see my little girl in a peaceful and sound sleep.  I kissed her sweetly on her forehead and whispered a prayer of thanks to our loving Father for continuing to hold us in His hands!  I cannot describe that moment in words.

"I am a parent of a child with special needs. 

Sometimes none of the pieces fit, despite everything I try to do. 

 But the most important thing I’ve learned is to keep trying. My child is worth it and so am I." ~HOPELights

Anxiety and a Few Tears

Even as I sit here, there is an intense level of anxiety that I feel is completely taking over.  How do I control something that seems to be so far out of my control!?  Right now, I can hear the sound of my precious daughter, fighting through her nighttime disturbance/'episode', and it breaks my heart.  There is nothing more that I can do, as I have tried everything imaginable.  I wish I could make all of this go away.  I, honestly, want this "fight" to be over.  I don't know how much longer that we can continue this way.  I hate to see my daughter have to go through this night after night after night.  I hear her cries and I walk into her room, I crouch down by her little bed and I gently try to rub her body.  I want to be that one thing that soothes her.  I want to be able to calm her screams.  I want to see her soundly sleeping, like the angel that I know she is.  But that's not how it works. She thrashes, and trembles, and throws my hands away from her.  I know that she doesn't know what is going on while she's doing these things, but somehow, in the moment, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting.  In a whisper, I say her name.  I tell her that everything is okay, and that Mommy is right by her side.  It goes without effect.  I can't hold, hug, or kiss these horrible moments away.  

I try everything in my power to make sure I do the "right thing" as she goes through these 'episodes', but I don't even know what the "right thing" to do is anymore.  I feel like I have gone through this never-ending cycle of trial and error, all of which leads to the same thing... no change.  We are on day four of her medication that they prescribed to help her sleep, and I do realize that it is only day four, but again, there has been no change.  Nothing changes!  Why?!  There has to be a solution, right?  Why can't I figure this out?  Why can't someone figure this out!?  There is a constant struggle between what a Mommy wants to do for her child, and what the doctors or specialists say to do.  Everyone is going to have their own opinion on what I should or shouldn't do, I suppose.  Quite frankly, unless you are the one living this nearly every single night of your life, I think it's going to be a lot easier voicing those opinions.  Opinions like:  "You should do this, You should do that!"  Or maybe even on the flip side, "You shouldn't!"... "You shouldn't pick her up, it could make things worse."  "You shouldn't say too much, it could make things worse."  "You shouldn't bring her blankie to her face, it could make things worse."  "You shouldn't go running the second you hear her cry, it could make things worse."  There are times when I do beat myself up over the thought of "what if I am just making things worse?" with things that I try, but in the end, I know where my heart is in all of this, and I know that I am trying my best and that's all that I can do.  But... I feel so helpless.  "I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do!"  It's a phrase that often passes my lips.  With every minute that passes on nights like these, I feel a greater level of exhaustion, frustration, anxiety, sadness, heartache... pain.

Some nights, although not many, Taleigha does become completely awakened after her 'episode' of the night terror or sleep disturbance, or whatever else you'd like to call it.  (For me, simply 'episode' is the best I can do to describe whatever this is).  When and if she wakes, things almost seem to go from bad to worse.  She suddenly looks terrified and confused.  Tonight, my heart broke that much more when she looked at me and signed "help", which was followed by a look in her eyes that I cannot even begin to explain, and then she shed tears.  It was something that made me break, and uncontrollably, the tears then began to pour down my face too.  If only she could tell me what she needed.  If only she could tell me what was wrong.  She then reaches out to me, clenching the sides of my arms as I begin to pick her up to hold her. Although, at this point (again, now that she is awake), this does give some comfort to her, but only for a short while.  She no longer wants to go back to bed.  It is literally as if she is scared to death to lay back down and close her eyes.  And so another battle begins with trying to get her to lay back down and snuggle her into bed and have her fall asleep... but it's not that easy when, again, there is almost a fear in her to actually do these things.  It is a hard sight to see.  Well, it is for me anyway!

How do we continue like this?  I can't help but keep asking this question!  It has literally gotten to the point that I feel like we are just trying to survive this.  It may sound silly to some, but it is the truth.  How can anyone, at any age, continue to live with this amount of sleep deprivation?  For me, daily tasks are becoming daily struggles, as I feel like I can barely function.  I honestly have no idea how Taleigha keeps going every day.  Her little body looks so tired.  It shows in her face.  It shows in mine...

I need to stay strong!

It is now 3:30am, and after five straight difficult hours, my baby has finally fallen back asleep.  I am thankful that this blog entry could be a bit of an escape for me during those moments when there was nothing I could do for Taleigha.  Those moments when, unfortunately, I had to just walk away and take some time to gather myself.  It may have taken me the full five hours to get this together, but it helped to "get things out".

Blessed

It is sometimes hard to even fathom how fast time seems to fly by.  Somehow we manage to go day by day without even recognizing how quickly things pass.  It is already February, and I feel like it got here in the blink of an eye (so I apologize ahead of time for the length of this post, but I haven't been able to write in a while now!  Oops!).

We have been extremely busy (although, I feel like that isn't something new in our life).  I have gone through moments of feeling completely defeated over the last several weeks, but my children, and the amazing girls that they are, always seem to lift the weight of "life" off of my shoulders at just the right time.

Taleigha has yet again made incredible progress over the last few weeks.  I am so excited and so very proud to say that she has now learned how to get into a standing position without the help of a stationary item.  She can actually get from sitting to standing all on her own!!!  I can't help but get tears of joy as I watch her strength as she does this.  Just since the middle of January... the progress is just so monumental for her.  It's still a very new development for her, but she's doing it more and more each day.  She has also made a lot of effort lately in trying to speak.  Her main forms of communicating right now is through sign language and just simply pointing to things, but we can tell that she is really trying to make new sounds and form more words!  She even shocked us all when she blurted out "Bubble" as Daddy was blowing bubbles in the house last week!  She then followed that with a sound, "pop" as she would make those silly bubbles disappear!!  Again, I am just so proud of her, for all that she does.

We finally received a phone call from the specialist regarding Taleigha's sleep study that was done in December.  (There may have been a fairly demanding phone call that prompted this call, but I was so tired of playing that waiting game.  I had called numerous times without receiving a call back, so my patience was running low.  I just wanted some answers.  I didn't go through that sleep study to sit here without one.)  The doctor did explain that there was no sign of any medical reasons that would cause Taleigha to have such severe sleep disturbances (ex: heart problems, breathing problems etc), which is obviously a good thing.  However, at the same time, it does make it a bit difficult to "pin-point" what may be causing the issues.  She explained, in as simple terms as she could, that it is a very big chance that Taleigha just might not be "wired" the same as a typical child.  It was apparent that she was going through all stages of sleep (one entire sleep cycle) in about an hour or less.  She said that it may be that Taleigha's brain is telling her one thing, while her body is telling her another, making it very difficult to stay asleep.  When Taleigha wakes, it is a very "disturbing" feeling for her and causes a lot of problems.  She could also be dealing with some night terrors as well, but at this point, we aren't sure.  The specialist did suggest/recommend that we would try giving Taleigha a medication that could help her sleep.  She reassured me that it was not supposed to act like a sedative, but just something that could calm her enough to help her stay sleeping, getting restful sleep throughout the night.  She then said something that really struck a cord with me.  There are negative long term affects that Taleigha's sleeping problems could have on her.  Dealing with such severe disturbances nearly every single night could really make things difficult for her.  She could start having increased irritability/moodiness and behavioral issues, difficulty focusing, and could even have decreased developmental progress, to name a few.  

I have to admit, my husband and I were a bit hesitant about using a medication.  Actually, we have been hesitant for quite a while now.  But we knew that we needed to really sit down, get as much information as we possibly could about the medication, and make the best decision we could.  We have done nothing but keep the best interest of Taleigha in mind throughout this journey with the difficulty sleeping, and we needed to stay focused on that fact.  That we wanted the best for TALEIGHA!  I would live the rest of my life without sleep if I thought that it was in Taleigha's best interest to not be put on a medication, because it's not about the sleep I wish I was getting (However, I have to be completely honest, even though I said, and whole heartedly mean, that I literally would go without sleep for the rest of my life if that's what I needed to do, it has been the hardest aspect of my life to deal with.  I know that the sleep deprivation that I have experienced over the last 2 1/2 years has really started to change me.  It's taken it's toll, and that, I believe, is an understatement for what it has done to me.  I want more than anything to get the "Brittany" that I used to be back.  I want that, because I want to be the best for my two precious girls, and I cannot stress that enough!)  Once we sat down and really discussed this entire issue, we realized that a medication may very well be what is best for her afterall... for us... for several reasons really.  One: I completely agree, and see now, that there really are negative affects that sleep deprivation could have on Taleigha.  Two: It really isn't in the best interest of Taleigha (or Taelyn, for that matter) to have a Mommy that is so sleep deprived that she can barely function each day.  They don't deserve that.  They deserve to have restful sleep themselves, and to have a Mommy that is well rested, so that we can fully enjoy each new day.

Okay... So we made the jump!  We decided to go for it and try the medication!!  Yay!  A decision was finally made, and we were feeling confident about it.  Well, we went to the pharmacy to get the prescription filled, only to find out that there is not a single distributor in our entire area that has this medication available.  Therefore, we now have to wait things out... again, and try to get some answers on where to go from here, because we cannot get the prescription locally at all.  Wouldn't that just be our luck?!  I guess we will be making a lot of phone calls to figure this out.  Until then, my patience has to stay strong!

And, as always, there is no way that I could go without talking about my little munchkin, Taelyn.  She has just been making me giggle non-stop lately.  We now say "Smile Tae!" and she makes the goofiest face, with a crinkled up nose and squinty eyes, and her little "toofers" sticking out!

Yes, This is her "smile" for Mommy!

 It's so wonderful to see her personality shine throughout each day.  I was just looking back at some pictures from the day that she was born, and as I sit here feeling like that was just yesterday, I am reminded by a precious little voice, that time is going quickly and she has grown up so fast.  She's an angel!  I just can't say this enough, she makes my life that much brighter because she is in it!

  

I am so blessed!  

I am so so blessed!

A Reminder

It's always hard to see a life leave us so suddenly.  It never seems fair.  It's a harsh reminder that we truly need to embrace life and those we love.  We need to cherish every single moment that we are given.  Today, Heaven gained an Angel, my Uncle Bill.  We love you!

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I wanted to take a moment to express my gratitude, appreciation, and most sincere thanks to every single person that has been a part of my life.  To those that have supported us and continue to do so; whether it be through a helping hand, a prayer, a nice meal, a kind thought, or through a donation.  We feel completely blessed to have such loving people surrounding us.  We have been reminded that there really are pretty amazing people in this world.  I never want people to feel that their compassion has gone un-noticed or under appreciated.  We know, that it has been because of special people in our lives, that we have been able to make it through as many things as we have had to face over the past several years.  I don't think there is enough thanks in this world to give for all that we've received...

but Thank You is all I know to say.

Taleigha has been such an amazing little Super Star.  She is now choosing to WALK as her main form of mobility!!!  She is not able to get into an upright standing position without help yet, so she still crawls to something stationary to pull herself up, and then proceeds to walk in her wobbly little way throughout the house.  She uses different things as her stability points while she walks... things like the wall, a chair, a couch, basically anything that she can "graze" along the way, to help gain some balance that she loses after taking several steps on her own.  I can already see major improvements though with her balance.  She is actually started to stand in one spot for a few moments now.  That takes an extreme amount of balance.  She is so incredibly determined.  She falls repeatedly throughout the day, and yet, she brushes it off and tries, tries again!  You can see something truly special in her... something that I only wish that I could possess myself.   

...It is the kind of strength that can move mountains!

 

Taelyn.  Oh she has my heart.  She has a way of making everything okay, no matter what!  Her smile and laugh is absolutely contagious.  She has definitely turned into a silly little thing!  She just started walking around the house, crinkling her button nose, showing off her little "toofers" (as we like to call them), while making goofy noises, which quite often consist of grunting and giggling!  She has an adorable personality.  She always knows how to melt my heart!  She is also in the "test Mommy and Daddy" stage... always pushing to the limits!  It's perfect though.  It keeps us on our toes! 

...She's perfect!

 

It's pretty amazing to have the two girls.  We get to experience things with each of them that are very special to us.  I can't thank God enough for giving us such blessings!  

It's an honor to be their Mommy!

I need to say a very special thank you to a very special man!  I honestly don't know how I ever got so lucky, but I have a phenomenal husband.  Clint is my rock.  He is my everything.  No matter what happens in life, he is always there for me.  He is also the most remarkable father to our girls.  I find myself at times just staring at him when he is with them.  I smile because those moments are precious to me.  I couldn't even begin to explain what Clint has done for me over the years, but I know that I would be lost without him in my life.  I cherish him.

...I Love You, Clint!

An End and A Beginning

It's hard to believe that another year has come to an end.  I'm not even sure I know where the time went.  As I sit here reflecting on the year 2011, I feel an overwhelming amount of emotion come to the surface.  It's was a very difficult year, to say the least, and lately I have noticed that it has started to take it's toll on me.  I would love to say that I keep a positive attitude about life... about my life... but sometimes I stumble, fall, and lose sight of that positivity.  I have felt so defeated and beaten down.  I have felt a level of exhaustion that I didn't even think was possible.  I feel mentally, emotionally, and physically drained.  At times, I feel like I've lost myself.  I suppose I could talk forever about the "reasons" why I feel the way I do, but I don't want to focus on the tough stuff right now.  I want to focus on the amazing things that happened over the past year, for I know how incredibly blessed I am.  I try to hold on tightest to those things.  

I want to focus on the future and 
what I hope 2012 is going to be for my family!

The first thing that comes to mind for 2012 in our family is FINALLY owning a home.  I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am.  We are getting closer and closer to the start of our build with Habitat for Humanity and we are thrilled.  This house means more to us than we could ever describe.  We are anxious to be able to have a stable, safe, and accessible home for our girls.  All of the work that we have already put in over the last year, and the work that we continue to put in to this experience is absolutely worth it.  We are going to have one of our dreams come true... in just a few short months!  I've never really been one to want to wish time away, but COME ON SUMMER!  I'm ready this year!!! :)

I really hope that each and every one of you has an amazing beginning to 2012!

(Now that the Holiday's are over, I will finally have some more time for my blogging!  I apologize for the length of time since my last post!  I will be writing again soon!!  Thanks!)