Anxiety and a Few Tears

Even as I sit here, there is an intense level of anxiety that I feel is completely taking over.  How do I control something that seems to be so far out of my control!?  Right now, I can hear the sound of my precious daughter, fighting through her nighttime disturbance/'episode', and it breaks my heart.  There is nothing more that I can do, as I have tried everything imaginable.  I wish I could make all of this go away.  I, honestly, want this "fight" to be over.  I don't know how much longer that we can continue this way.  I hate to see my daughter have to go through this night after night after night.  I hear her cries and I walk into her room, I crouch down by her little bed and I gently try to rub her body.  I want to be that one thing that soothes her.  I want to be able to calm her screams.  I want to see her soundly sleeping, like the angel that I know she is.  But that's not how it works. She thrashes, and trembles, and throws my hands away from her.  I know that she doesn't know what is going on while she's doing these things, but somehow, in the moment, it doesn't stop my heart from hurting.  In a whisper, I say her name.  I tell her that everything is okay, and that Mommy is right by her side.  It goes without effect.  I can't hold, hug, or kiss these horrible moments away.  

I try everything in my power to make sure I do the "right thing" as she goes through these 'episodes', but I don't even know what the "right thing" to do is anymore.  I feel like I have gone through this never-ending cycle of trial and error, all of which leads to the same thing... no change.  We are on day four of her medication that they prescribed to help her sleep, and I do realize that it is only day four, but again, there has been no change.  Nothing changes!  Why?!  There has to be a solution, right?  Why can't I figure this out?  Why can't someone figure this out!?  There is a constant struggle between what a Mommy wants to do for her child, and what the doctors or specialists say to do.  Everyone is going to have their own opinion on what I should or shouldn't do, I suppose.  Quite frankly, unless you are the one living this nearly every single night of your life, I think it's going to be a lot easier voicing those opinions.  Opinions like:  "You should do this, You should do that!"  Or maybe even on the flip side, "You shouldn't!"... "You shouldn't pick her up, it could make things worse."  "You shouldn't say too much, it could make things worse."  "You shouldn't bring her blankie to her face, it could make things worse."  "You shouldn't go running the second you hear her cry, it could make things worse."  There are times when I do beat myself up over the thought of "what if I am just making things worse?" with things that I try, but in the end, I know where my heart is in all of this, and I know that I am trying my best and that's all that I can do.  But... I feel so helpless.  "I don't know what to do... I don't know what to do!"  It's a phrase that often passes my lips.  With every minute that passes on nights like these, I feel a greater level of exhaustion, frustration, anxiety, sadness, heartache... pain.

Some nights, although not many, Taleigha does become completely awakened after her 'episode' of the night terror or sleep disturbance, or whatever else you'd like to call it.  (For me, simply 'episode' is the best I can do to describe whatever this is).  When and if she wakes, things almost seem to go from bad to worse.  She suddenly looks terrified and confused.  Tonight, my heart broke that much more when she looked at me and signed "help", which was followed by a look in her eyes that I cannot even begin to explain, and then she shed tears.  It was something that made me break, and uncontrollably, the tears then began to pour down my face too.  If only she could tell me what she needed.  If only she could tell me what was wrong.  She then reaches out to me, clenching the sides of my arms as I begin to pick her up to hold her. Although, at this point (again, now that she is awake), this does give some comfort to her, but only for a short while.  She no longer wants to go back to bed.  It is literally as if she is scared to death to lay back down and close her eyes.  And so another battle begins with trying to get her to lay back down and snuggle her into bed and have her fall asleep... but it's not that easy when, again, there is almost a fear in her to actually do these things.  It is a hard sight to see.  Well, it is for me anyway!

How do we continue like this?  I can't help but keep asking this question!  It has literally gotten to the point that I feel like we are just trying to survive this.  It may sound silly to some, but it is the truth.  How can anyone, at any age, continue to live with this amount of sleep deprivation?  For me, daily tasks are becoming daily struggles, as I feel like I can barely function.  I honestly have no idea how Taleigha keeps going every day.  Her little body looks so tired.  It shows in her face.  It shows in mine...

I need to stay strong!

It is now 3:30am, and after five straight difficult hours, my baby has finally fallen back asleep.  I am thankful that this blog entry could be a bit of an escape for me during those moments when there was nothing I could do for Taleigha.  Those moments when, unfortunately, I had to just walk away and take some time to gather myself.  It may have taken me the full five hours to get this together, but it helped to "get things out".