"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned... so that we can have the life that is waiting for us!!!!"

Friday, September 7, 2012

Am I Cut Out For This?!

Am I cut out for this?!  Am I strong enough?  Patient enough?  Am I doing things right?!  Wrong?  Am I making things better?  Worse?!  Am I loving her enough?  Am I helping enough?  Am I helping too much?  What is she thinking?!  What is she feeling?  How is she feeling?!  What does she like?  Not like?!  What does she want?!  Not want? 
...Am I good enough?!

Today... It was a day filled with anxiety, frustration, a big of anger, and in the end... regret.  My mind was racing and my heart was heavy.  Today was one of those days that I couldn't handle.  I found myself asking a million and a half questions... all of which, I didn't have the answers for.  Today, was challenging.

I have days like this once in a while, and at the end of the day, I feel like I am screaming out, "Am I cut out for this!?".  Taleigha had a rough day today; meaning, it was a day filled with a lot of crying and, for lack of a better term, whining.  Absolutely nothing pleased her today.  She seemed irritable and frustrated as well, and I couldn't figure out how to make things better for her.  I JUST WANTED TO MAKE 'IT' BETTER, and I failed, yet again.

"Am I strong enough?!"  Am I able to live this life as a parent of a child with special needs?  I doubt myself.  I doubt my capabilities of being a good Mommy to Taleigha.  This journey with her is ever changing and it's difficult at times to understand why this journey was given to me... to us... when I don't always feel like I am capable.  I know that God has truly blessed me with Taleigha, and I would never want anyone to think that I felt otherwise.  It's just that, I get overwhelmed in moments that feel impossible.   

I get mad at myself.  I get mad that I allow myself to lose my temper and get frustrated.  I get mad that I yell and feel like I want to run away.  "Am I patient enough?!"  I get mad that my patience flies out the door first thing in the morning, and I never can quite get it back.  I get mad when I don't sound positive and encouraging to her every second of every day.  I get mad... at myself!

I feel like I don't always know how to "parent" Taleigha.  "Am I doing things right!?"  It is a constant question.  Because she is non-verbal, I feel I am living a continuous guessing game.  That gets hard when you live it 24/7.  The questions: "What is she thinking?!" "What and how is she feeling!?" "What does she like and not like?!"  What does she want and not want!?", are the reality of my life.

I hurt.  I hurt for her.  I hurt for her when she throws herself to the floor or hits her head out of frustration.  I hurt for her when she whimpers and cries for an entire day.  Why can't I figure out what it is that she needs or wants!?  Am I not good enough?!  I hurt.

I try!  Oh, I promise, I try... to make sure that I encourage Taleigha to communicate the "correct" way, when I know she is able.  But I often find myself wondering if I am enabling her to not communicate the "correct" way.  When she starts 'whining' what she wants, I try so hard to encourage her to "tell" me what she wants.  Most of the time she refuses, and I end up just getting whatever it is that she wants, without her communicating it to me the way that I know she knows how.  I almost feel like I let her "get away" with more because she can't communicate a lot right now.  So, everything I do is followed by the question, "Am I making things better, or worse!?"

"Am I loving her enough?!"  I fell in love with this child the moment I laid eyes on her.  That has never changed, and never will.  She is my everything.  I never knew such a love like this existed until she came into my life.  I KNOW I love her more than words could ever explain... but does she feel that from me!?  I fear that when days like today happen, she only feels that frustration and sometimes anger.  I don't ever want my precious child to feel like she is a burden to me, or that SHE frustrates me.  SHE doesn't.  It may be the circumstances, but never HER!  I want her to know that... always.  

I regret today.  I wish it had never happened.  I want to erase it and start again, but I can't.  What I can do is strive to make the rest of our days, better days.  
I pray for more strength and more patience, because she deserves that.



What I can't get out of my mind is the fact that I truly believe... 
she quite possibly asks herself all of these same things!


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I found this on HopeLights.
I desperately needed this today.
I needed this.

"From your child with special needs: "Some days I know you get the end of your rope. We get stuck. I'm in here though and if I could make things easier, I would. Look at how far I've come because of you. Don't give up on me! 
I love you!" ♥