Am I cut out for this?! Am I strong enough? Patient enough? Am I doing things right?! Wrong? Am I making things better? Worse?! Am I loving her enough? Am I helping enough? Am I helping too much? What is she thinking?! What is she feeling? How is she feeling?! What does she like? Not like?! What does she want?! Not want?
...Am I good enough?!
Today... It was a day filled with anxiety, frustration, a big of anger, and in the end... regret. My mind was racing and my heart was heavy. Today was one of those days that I couldn't handle. I found myself asking a million and a half questions... all of which, I didn't have the answers for. Today, was challenging.
I have days like this once in a while, and at the end of the day, I feel like I am screaming out, "Am I cut out for this!?". Taleigha had a rough day today; meaning, it was a day filled with a lot of crying and, for lack of a better term, whining. Absolutely nothing pleased her today. She seemed irritable and frustrated as well, and I couldn't figure out how to make things better for her. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE 'IT' BETTER, and I failed, yet again.
"Am I strong enough?!" Am I able to live this life as a parent of a child with special needs? I doubt myself. I doubt my capabilities of being a good Mommy to Taleigha. This journey with her is ever changing and it's difficult at times to understand why this journey was given to me... to us... when I don't always feel like I am capable. I know that God has truly blessed me with Taleigha, and I would never want anyone to think that I felt otherwise. It's just that, I get overwhelmed in moments that feel impossible.
I get mad at myself. I get mad that I allow myself to lose my temper and get frustrated. I get mad that I yell and feel like I want to run away. "Am I patient enough?!" I get mad that my patience flies out the door first thing in the morning, and I never can quite get it back. I get mad when I don't sound positive and encouraging to her every second of every day. I get mad... at myself!
I feel like I don't always know how to "parent" Taleigha. "Am I doing things right!?" It is a constant question. Because she is non-verbal, I feel I am living a continuous guessing game. That gets hard when you live it 24/7. The questions: "What is she thinking?!" "What and how is she feeling!?" "What does she like and not like?!" What does she want and not want!?", are the reality of my life.
I hurt. I hurt for her. I hurt for her when she throws herself to the floor or hits her head out of frustration. I hurt for her when she whimpers and cries for an entire day. Why can't I figure out what it is that she needs or wants!? Am I not good enough?! I hurt.
I try! Oh, I promise, I try... to make sure that I encourage Taleigha to communicate the "correct" way, when I know she is able. But I often find myself wondering if I am enabling her to not communicate the "correct" way. When she starts 'whining' what she wants, I try so hard to encourage her to "tell" me what she wants. Most of the time she refuses, and I end up just getting whatever it is that she wants, without her communicating it to me the way that I know she knows how. I almost feel like I let her "get away" with more because she can't communicate a lot right now. So, everything I do is followed by the question, "Am I making things better, or worse!?"
"Am I loving her enough?!" I fell in love with this child the moment I laid eyes on her. That has never changed, and never will. She is my everything. I never knew such a love like this existed until she came into my life. I KNOW I love her more than words could ever explain... but does she feel that from me!? I fear that when days like today happen, she only feels that frustration and sometimes anger. I don't ever want my precious child to feel like she is a burden to me, or that SHE frustrates me. SHE doesn't. It may be the circumstances, but never HER! I want her to know that... always.
I regret today. I wish it had never happened. I want to erase it and start again, but I can't. What I can do is strive to make the rest of our days, better days.
I pray for more strength and more patience, because she deserves that.
What I can't get out of my mind is the fact that I truly believe...
she quite possibly asks herself all of these same things!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I found this on HopeLights.
I desperately needed this today.
I needed this.
"From your child with special needs: "Some days
I know you get the end of your rope. We get stuck. I'm in here though
and if I could make things easier, I would. Look at how far I've come
because of you. Don't give up on me!
I love you!" ♥
Hang in there girl! Days are hard and frustrating and I also asked myself that many times! As she gets older it does get better. Does she not have the words to use for communication? does she just not know herself? Is she getting sick yet again? Sometimes we need to step back and look at the clues that our kids could be giving us and we are just not seeing. It is ok for us to feel this way. Sometimes they have bad days as well. I wouldn't want to know everything that Tara thinks. I get the look and I know she is telling me to shut up, and get out of her face. Sometimes she gets burnt out as well and that is part of her whining. Things will get better and a new day tomorrow like you said. hang in there girl! <3
ReplyDeleteMy dear friend I know those days of "what if's" all to well. Let me remind you that you are only human and there is no such thing as a perfect parent. We are all unique in our parenting as our children are each unique. You ARE doing the best you can and when she is ready AND has the capability she will reach those milestones. We are desperate to see the progress but often they are just not ready. STOP worrying about if your doing right, you ARE! Look how far you've come don't sell your self short. We are on a tough journey but we can get through it! ((((((((HUGS)))))))))
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