Am I cut out for this?! Am I strong enough? Patient enough? Am I doing things right?! Wrong? Am I making things better? Worse?! Am I loving her enough? Am I helping enough? Am I helping too much? What is she thinking?! What is she feeling? How is she feeling?! What does she like? Not like?! What does she want?! Not want?
...Am I good enough?!
Today... It was a day filled with anxiety, frustration, a big of anger, and in the end... regret. My mind was racing and my heart was heavy. Today was one of those days that I couldn't handle. I found myself asking a million and a half questions... all of which, I didn't have the answers for. Today, was challenging.
I have days like this once in a while, and at the end of the day, I feel like I am screaming out, "Am I cut out for this!?". Taleigha had a rough day today; meaning, it was a day filled with a lot of crying and, for lack of a better term, whining. Absolutely nothing pleased her today. She seemed irritable and frustrated as well, and I couldn't figure out how to make things better for her. I JUST WANTED TO MAKE 'IT' BETTER, and I failed, yet again.
"Am I strong enough?!" Am I able to live this life as a parent of a child with special needs? I doubt myself. I doubt my capabilities of being a good Mommy to Taleigha. This journey with her is ever changing and it's difficult at times to understand why this journey was given to me... to us... when I don't always feel like I am capable. I know that God has truly blessed me with Taleigha, and I would never want anyone to think that I felt otherwise. It's just that, I get overwhelmed in moments that feel impossible.
I get mad at myself. I get mad that I allow myself to lose my temper and get frustrated. I get mad that I yell and feel like I want to run away. "Am I patient enough?!" I get mad that my patience flies out the door first thing in the morning, and I never can quite get it back. I get mad when I don't sound positive and encouraging to her every second of every day. I get mad... at myself!
I feel like I don't always know how to "parent" Taleigha. "Am I doing things right!?" It is a constant question. Because she is non-verbal, I feel I am living a continuous guessing game. That gets hard when you live it 24/7. The questions: "What is she thinking?!" "What and how is she feeling!?" "What does she like and not like?!" What does she want and not want!?", are the reality of my life.
I hurt. I hurt for her. I hurt for her when she throws herself to the floor or hits her head out of frustration. I hurt for her when she whimpers and cries for an entire day. Why can't I figure out what it is that she needs or wants!? Am I not good enough?! I hurt.
I try! Oh, I promise, I try... to make sure that I encourage Taleigha to communicate the "correct" way, when I know she is able. But I often find myself wondering if I am enabling her to not communicate the "correct" way. When she starts 'whining' what she wants, I try so hard to encourage her to "tell" me what she wants. Most of the time she refuses, and I end up just getting whatever it is that she wants, without her communicating it to me the way that I know she knows how. I almost feel like I let her "get away" with more because she can't communicate a lot right now. So, everything I do is followed by the question, "Am I making things better, or worse!?"
"Am I loving her enough?!" I fell in love with this child the moment I laid eyes on her. That has never changed, and never will. She is my everything. I never knew such a love like this existed until she came into my life. I KNOW I love her more than words could ever explain... but does she feel that from me!? I fear that when days like today happen, she only feels that frustration and sometimes anger. I don't ever want my precious child to feel like she is a burden to me, or that SHE frustrates me. SHE doesn't. It may be the circumstances, but never HER! I want her to know that... always.
I regret today. I wish it had never happened. I want to erase it and start again, but I can't. What I can do is strive to make the rest of our days, better days.
I pray for more strength and more patience, because she deserves that.
What I can't get out of my mind is the fact that I truly believe...
she quite possibly asks herself all of these same things!
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I found this on HopeLights.
I desperately needed this today.
I needed this.
"From your child with special needs: "Some days
I know you get the end of your rope. We get stuck. I'm in here though
and if I could make things easier, I would. Look at how far I've come
because of you. Don't give up on me!
I love you!" ♥
